I do like to sit and stare at the trees quite often

Ah,
the mosquitos are buzzing around me and eating me alive. I drove home from seeing some people I hadn't seen in awhile and I was overcome with a deep sadness. But I love my sadness these days because I can truly feel it and let it wash over me. I don't have to push it away or create a wall around me from it. It is like the body and soul gets to truly feel it all! When I feel sadness I can experience it, taste it and be healed by it simaltaneously watching it and observing its texture as an objective reality while maintaining my authentic alive and awake self.

I have been wanting so much alone time and it really makes me feel sadness. I guess I am in a place of shifting how I live. I don't need much. I don't want much and this scares me too. I see others going off to explore social events and music and projects and all I want to do is be in the forest and smell the trees, feel the breeze and watch the sunlight on the leaves. I want to garden and visit the occasional friend. I want to make art and write letters. I want to cook good food and drink tea. But other than that, there is nothing much out there that is calling me to it. And I think that is what is new for me. I have lived a long time being "called" out into the world. And now I listen for the call and it is inside of me. It says "Here I am." "Be with me here". "Listen and stop, do not plan, I want to feel you here in this moment."

It is a quiet voice. The other voices of judgment and self criticism and trying to get it right are still there. Perhaps they will always be there and I just need to accept them and keep them in their place, keep reminding them who is in charge and choose the voice that would really serve me.

It has been little shifts here and there, and it has been so easy to go to sleep! Literally, lots of sleeping! I feel in a little fog - and a lot of that is my allergies, but it is also this kind of dreamy state which I have to constantly tap myself out of. Sometimes I can just exist there calmly, but thinking overcrowds and before I know it my mind is a chatter of uncomfortable noise.

My main intention these days is to feel comfortable. Why not? I have gotten so good at feeling uncomfortable. All those Zen teachers, well they say you have to go through the fire before you can awaken. I tell you, first of all, my intention is not to awaken. My intention is to see truthfully and live a life communicating my authenticity and my love. My intention for this life is to see what makes me uncomfortable and see what and where my habits are in relation to acting out of some negative thought pattern, choice, or belief and really examine that. I have found through my observations that the real action that ALWAYS wants to be taken is the one where I am giving more of myself, listening more, and truly offering my love and support to others. So much of my life I have been living in competition and this belief that there isn't enough for me. Is that true? Is there enough?

The trickiest part now is, well... what happens when I isolate myself so much? What happens when I go outside to a social event and am never truly satisfied? I know this is just now that I am experiencing this. But it is coming after years of being out in the world and trying to fit in. Even in High School I was a loner, but I still tried to fit in. I think I have a lot to offer people. I think I have many gifts. I am exploring what those are.

I was asked by Spirit to go and drum next to a friend who was having a hard time. It would please me if my life took on a shape where I could offer love in that way more often.

It is Summer here in Oregon. Things are easier on the outside. There is still some confusion inside my gut as to what this life is really about. The confusion still comes from trying to do it right. And when I began listening in recently and following the guidance to stay home and do "nothing" - well I got really scared, sometimes exilerated. And I guess I am in a type of exploration and experimentation to see what happens when I have very little "to do". What naturally arises? What moves me if the head is not always in control?

I do like to sit and stare at the trees quite often.

You only have fear when...

You only have fear when you simultaneously believe in your mortality. While you would not necessarily do things that are risky to cause you to end your physical life experience, you also never intended your belief in mortality to allow fear to control your experience.

When you accept this concept more completely, you also develop more confidence to do the things you truly desire that cause your expansion. You will begin to not take everything so seriously. This is truly what is meant by a lightness of being. The light is your very own illumination of the true nature of your being. You intended to be the grand explorer of your own life experience.

Wilhelm