Well, I guess Spirit wants me to write more. To be uninhibited. My oh my! How each day is like a newly awakened spreading of wings. Even three months ago, how I felt and looked different. The sounds, smells, colors are always changing. The seasons are so fluid in their dress making! I woke with more fear that is wanting to be seen and cleansed. I am afraid of change, that this groundlessness is unpredictable and ever spontaneously tumoltuous! I want to run away and hide in my mind! In my sleep! In my Awake! Where is there a resting place? Where is there a spot, which is just safe? Just still? Just One? The heart of hearts calls to me and whispers its Faith on wings of Love.
A person spoke to me of....a fear or leaving the ground! Well, what she meant was, I couldn't do that...I need to be "grounded"! I need to be plugged into this way of seeing the world, this old way of living and beliving and using my mind...the way that I was taught, the way that i am exploring and cultivating. Well. I am not attatched to this world! And when i say that, I do not mean the Earth as she spins. What I mean is...I am availiable to expand my horizons. I look around me and see that we are all somewhat attatched to our points of view! That our "small self" is very convinced that it is having an experience in a "grounded" view of reality. This reality is often limited and under a very particular conditoned experience of sense and awareness. To look into and explore another option, another way of seeing the world and living that does not totally correlate with our limits, well...that can feel ungrounding and scary. That, we don't want to trust. I can't believe I am writing thsi, because I too have these fears and I too am attached to "My Way" of seeing the world and seeing myself nad seeing my life. WEll. What if I let that attachement go a little bit? What if I wanted to experience life on a much more open and wider perspective? What if I found a place that could teach me to do that? Teach me to free my thinking? Teach me to free my Willing? Teach me to free my feeling? All through artistry and beauty! Wouldn't I just jump up and down for joy? Wouldn't I jump into it with ope narms?
No, what are my intentions for doing wuch a crazy leap into the sky? I don't want them (my intentions) to be for leaving behind a life that doesn't work or that i am dissapointed in, because my dissapointment is my own fault. My own choice. I am seeing my perspective now and seeing how it is tied up into my environemnt a lot. IT is tied up into those around me, my community. And all these things are good! They are all supporting life as it is, moving along at a pace which is predictable (but is it really?) For if it were predictable, it would mean that I had a realtionship withthe pace of life and a relationship and understanding of how things work. Which I really don't. I have the basic understanding. But I want to universal understanding. I do! I want to wake up and see the world with eyes of wonder and surprise and eyes of perception! Grounded you say? They are grounded, but not really connected to life as it is happening!? Ha, what is life as it is happening? What is the universal human doing in a life that is just happening around it? Prediction, and perception and relationship with my active thinking and active being...that is what I want. This way of being, well, I am just touching with my bare fingers at the moment. It is asking me to simultaneously relax and heal, to let go of my holdings and also to open my wings and try new things.
To leave just when I am comfortable. I guess that is a better time to leave than to get up and fly away because I saw a mouse.
Worry, Fear, Doubt, All of that is groundless. All of that is not really connected with how the world really looks and feels. That is what people are attatched to. that is what we are commiting to when we are not open to seeing and tryiing new things that take us out of our comfort.
And also...I would imagine that one day I would expand out of the collective consciousness of even the next step I am walking toward.
So What Next?
Flying? Expanding? Resting in Trust.
One day at a time. But really, explore my intentions for life. Do I remember why I came here? It is not to be attatched, it is not to be comitted to this dead way of thinking and acting...dispersed in a culture and community who are all trying to figure their world out from their small perspective. I am here to grow into the universal human being. I am here to heal completally. i am here to be a teacher. I must cry every morning to get used to that.
