Wow, these last few weeks have been really hard. After going through what seemed like a very major dark night of the soul and being in bed with bronchitis, I am still just barely keeping my head above the water of my emotions.
This GREAT sadness seems to want to envelop me and all I can do is sit and face it. While at times I am more caught in my head or with the task at hand, I am usually either criticizing myself or feeling waves of emotional turmoil. My mind seems out of control and my actions follow suit and I would be in a downward spiral if it were not my warrior like nature to just sit and be with the moment and all its sufferings head on.
Part of me feels like this is natural, this is supposed to be occuring, it is rocking my ship and making my soul's calling availiable to me. And I am used to being in such high states, being available for others problems and lately all I have wanted to do was curl up with a good novel and tune out.
My heart feels heavy. A new possible lover came over last night and submerged me in a beautiful sea of sexual intimacy. And this morning I awoke crying and aching for my heart is not availiable for that type of contact right now. And it feels very difficult to face that and speak its truth. I don't feel availiable for anyone but myself. And this too is hard to admit, like I am letting others down and even myself, my ego. Meanwhile my soul is rocking me, soothing me and showing me all the intense shadow I carry with me throughout my day. It is like a blanket of heavy wool, covering my shoulders and keeping me pressed flat to this pain. A ball and chain of sickness and depression. It feels unbearable and times, like my heart will explode under the pressure. My intuition just tells me to keep looking at it, loving it, listening to it and being there for it and it is so tricky to, because the same pain is letting me get away with things and thoughts and actions that are hurting my body and mind.
And then I get down on myself for all this because I can't snap out of it. Is this normal? Does everyone feel this way? I feel like blaming it on the fact that I live in a city and it is winter and dark out all the time and it sucks. I feel like blaming it on my lack of discipline and negative thought patterns. Like, I should be doing this... Or why is she so much better at that than I?... Or if only I could keep this practice up every day, then I will be happy, healthy, have what i want.... etc. What old patterns!
What to do when these thoughts arise? What to do when I am suffocating myself because I am already suffocating? I feel trapped and weighted down and sad.
It is embarrassing for me to speak to all this because I feel that my ego is angry at being found out.
And adyashanti says, these are all just stories. See through my idea of it. I am experiencing my idea about something, when I see through that, it is gone. What is left is the next most obvious thing. Question the thought until it disappears. Then I am freed up to be moved by the simplicity of truth. Like everything else there isn't a reason.
Wisdom of the Ancients
