Needing to write after so many long long weeks away from stable ground. I have been traveling all over Oregon and California for the last 2.5 months. I left room for no expectations, and yet here I am home; very happy to be and also yearning for more of that spirit glide wind under my wings. I settle into a more stable schedule and the transition is actually very easy, something I have done many times before. I guess I am grateful for the practiced comfort of constant change. I am constantly watching my self-talk and transforming my self judgment into self nurturing and truth speaking. It is very very shocking now that I have began to notice just how much I unconsciously sabotage myself with my negative mind talk, how easy it is to slip into old patterns of being angry, weak, lazy, disturbed by everything around me. Living in a city again is the hardest transition. There is the street fair tonight and I tried to ride my bike down the middle, and there were so many people, so much noise pollution, so much swearing, chaos, anger, fear, disturbing energies that I just gave up. Three years ago this street fair was very different, more innocent and focused on the arts and expressing love. The innocent spirit of Love is so easily molested by false desire and show.
I am writing to just put some things down and in clearer perspective. i feel I may need to move out of my house. As I become more sensitive to energy, living so close to a busy street is quite draining. School has started and I would like a calm place to study. Ah! I want to be close to land! Traveling has put me on some gorgeous pieces of land and yet nothing felt like home. Is there a way I can live in the city and still feel close to nature? Is there a way to do this sanely?
My focus now is to be in school, Really take care of myself, love, laugh, be light, enjoy myself more. I have energetically closed myself to lower vibrating energies and have opened myself up to higher waves of love - especially when it comes to those who are coming into my life in a more affectionate, loving way. My life partner has not shown up yet and I take this to mean that I am still very much focusing on developing my own inner landscape. I am expanding my awareness and my capacity to hold loving, clear space for myself and others. I am developing my mind to understand and hold the immensity of this universe and this time that we are alive. I am also trying to put my ego in check! Meditation, observation, breathing, loving myself and engaging in the Welcoming Process and Conscious Freedom work have both been very essential. Engaging in private meditation with a new spiritual teacher has also been very very helpful. I also plan on getting regular reiki attunements, as the chaos energies are becoming more and more disturbing. Finding clean, quiet, authentic spaced to be in is more of a challenge. Even my home is somewhat disturbed.
I reached out today, feeling my inner mind begin to grasp hold of something outside of me. At one moment feeling lonely, as if no one understands. And then the soothing and calming presence of my guides and Angels became so crystal clear. I felt held by them, which is unusual, for their presence is usually very very subtle. What a gift that was!
This summer has been a lot of holding space for others and I am learning how to do it without taking on anyone else's drama, toxicity, negativity, pain, struggle, confusion. I found myself processing and thinking about others struggles long after my help was utilized. This left me drained and depleted. My tendency is to over think and analyze these situations to try to come up with better solutions. This is not helpful for me or for the situations I am referring to. Whatever I am being called to do or be in service for takes place in that moment and no more. The lesson then is to be fully present for it and then completely cut the chord when it is over. Weather it be listening to someone's internal process or struggle, holding the conscious heart space between two arguing friends, doing a healing for someone, even preparing a meal for someone - all of these types of services are meant to be done in the moment and then let go of. If I hold on to the argument days or even weeks after it is over, I am still depleting my very life force! I was cutting chords left and right this last week as I became aware of how much i was holding that wasn't even mine!
My intention is to shut my phone off more and focus inward, replenish and shape my days very artistically around clean and clear energy, love, beauty, and happiness. Lets see how it goes! I release negative, depleting thoughts, actions, and emotions! I welcome Love, Ease, Peace, Affection, Affirmation, and Beauty!
Wisdom of the Ancients
