Longing

Here I am.

Feet on the ground I meet my own longing. I met her in her complete form the other night as the deepest emotional state I have ever witnessed besides love. I asked this longing: "Who are you?" "Where did you come from?" And she answered with an image of my self as a child reaching her hands up in a deep need. Her need was not met and so it created this self; this longing; this unmet need as a deep wound inside my emotional body.

My longing is all of our longing. It is the longing to be with each other, to be held in love and acceptance and true seeing. It is our longing to be out of the city and within the comforts of our mother we once knew as the trees and rivers that surrounded us and met us on a daily basis. It is my longing to be in union with God and in union with love. It is my longing to be deeply fed and nourished. It is my longing to be heard, felt, understood, witnessed, touched, looked at, admired, and in purpose.

My longing is also the deep piercing longing to be in service. To know my gifts and talents and use them to help heal the world. My longing is to know Who I Am and Why I am Here. My longing is here now, it may not always stay, and so I welcome her and accept her as part of my Now.

She is sharp and open, she is round and smooth, she is the self in me which acts unconsciously in relationships, in food choices, in all choices that act from not having enough, not giving myself enough, not connecting deeply in and with myself. She is there at all times that I am not intentionally connected to God. It is my connection to God which keeps this longing satiated. It is my connection with my womb and my heart which keeps this longing unable to fully control me. For she is like a beast who wants to devour me and devour all things to satiate this pain of appetite.

So how do I truly stay connected to myself and to God?

How do I observe her when she wants to act out and breech my contract with my heart?

She reaches out to suck the energy out of someone else. This deep need cannot be met by anyone else. She is there, I know her very intimately. She is suggesting I play games with Men, suggesting I refuse my meditation practice to eat fried food and sugar. She is there suggesting I internally beat myself up and judge every detail of my life as imperfect. She is the ego in her garb of fierce emotional turmoil.

The sun is shinning outside today. I didn't get a full night's sleep last night. I am not perfect, but each and every day is perfect and provides me with another beautiful opportunity to open into my joy and acceptance. Inviting me into meeting that longing with good music, movement, conversation, gift giving, exercise, supporting a friend, or asking to be supported.

I ask sincerely: "Will this longing ever be fully met and satiated forever?" "Will she always be there behind the surface?" "What is the gift of this longing?"

She is a part of me and to shun her would be shunning my child. I must ask her on a daily basis: "What do you need?" "What do you know?" "How can I meet you?"

And Listen Deeply. And act to the best of my ability to meet her there, for anything else will just widen her deeper and contribute to the belief that I can't meet my needs, that she is not being met, that she is not worth listening to or holding.

She is asking me to meet her on a daily basis, on a moment to moment basis. A deep listening and presence to her. She as a child who is sick and who needs constant attention. My longing is a sick child who is me and all children in need. She is the Mother Earth longing to be with her children and for them to know her. She is the children in Haiti who are suffering. She is the subtle depression which suffocates all those living in illusion. She is a presence which will not be satiated easily, she wants good food, she wants creativity and movement every day, she wants deep contact with the earth. She is in love with God and knows that when I am with God she is with God and there is nothing to long for.

She is the longing to return home and be loved. She is all of us.

I meet her now: And I meet all longing:

Oh beautiful child. You Are the World! You are the sun rays that dip into the plants and radiate love to all of creation! Your smile is the emotional glue which keeps this crazy world together! You are everything and nothing, you have the power to create and be intimately known! You are beautiful and radiant and True! You Can! You Can! You Can! Your heart is the heater for all of humanity and carries our true purpose! Your eyes can shine into infinity and carry you to every corner of the universe! You are not alone, but surrounded by infinite beings of love and light! You Are Here For A Purpose! You may not know it just yet, you may not ever truly understand Why, but there is an answer. You are the answer. Your movement, your blood, your intricate DNA carries the secret to the unfolding human heart and every action you make and thought you have is, I assure you, not a mistake. Every action you make ripples out into the fabric of time, by your very makeup you are a part of this great mystery and weaving your piece just as we all are. There is no mistake, just a deeper unfolding, a knowing, and a being. You are light! You are Love! Your devotion is the Stuff of God's very own prayer. Your longing is met in this knowing. Trust your knowing. Trust your heart. Trust Trust Trust.

On Being Lost

Isn't it funny how one experience can sometimes be the perfect reflection and medium to understand a state of mind?

It was nighttime and raining pretty hard as I was coming home from Santa Rosa, CA to my father's house in Sebastapol. I was rushing to get home to catch a ride to dance class from the house. I knew that I was just going to make it on time. But as I got closer the directions I had did not fit the signs I was following. Soon I was curving around unknown passages, tires skidding on the wet asphalt and heavy downpour shaking the branches above me. I started getting very mad. I was speeding, I was feeling the rage and sadness of something, deeper than just being lost on my way home. Something in me wouldn't slow down and take things calmly. I ended up at a church and asked for directions. I followed them and got lost again. I ended up down a dirt road, at a dead end. I tortured the car as I backed up slammed on the breaks and turned around. I then ended up on someone's private road and again angrily and forcefully turned the car around. I became a mad woman screaming in the car asking for a death wish on a road unknown in the middle of nowhere.

Then all of a sudden I saw the correct sign for the street I was looking for. There it was. I zoomed down it and found the house and parked. My ride had already left. I stormed into the house and sat down ready to cry.

Instead of crying or fixing the situation by getting to the dance on my own, I pigged out in front of a movie and figured it wasn't worth it to feel my emotions or create a better alternative for my night.

So today I was finally able to reflect on that night and I started playing with this description of being lost.

It is a very good analogy for the way I used to be in my life. I was lost, but searching madly for home. I was making choices in my life which reflected this intense sadness and insecurity. Being lost in my own life was like forgetting my way home. I knew home existed but I didn't know exactly how to get there. I was searching and in the confusion, made a lot of mistakes and wrong turns. Every time I made a wrong turn, I would stop, turn around and head back to where I came from so that eventually I would be back on track.

Nobody stays lost forever.

With so many of us lost out there we are confused and angry. We are angry because we do not have a place in our hearts to call home, but we are tirelessly searching and it occurred to me that Nobody Stays Lost Forever. We are all searching for Home (a place of Sanctuary, Welcome, Warmth, Family). Even in someone's outward actions, be they of deceit, manipulation, rage, or hate - these actions and beliefs are not one's home and will never be allowed entry once that being finds the True Home: that of Wholeness and Love. So it is my belief that we are all on this search back home, and even if we never felt it during childhood, (which many of us haven't who grew up in homes of fear) it is truly a feeling that resides in all of us and is calling to us all the time.

Nobody stays lost forever, we will all eventually stop our wrong turns and make the right turn home to our hearts: our spiritual truths. Being lost is a state of mind: an identification with the self and the life which does not resonate with a larger spiritual reality. After so many wrong turns, there is eventually a right turn which begins to lead one down a road to many right turns and eventually home to our true mother and father: Faith and Reason.

To all those who are still lost: (and we can see this state of mind by the choices you make to pollute the Earth, manipulate human beings and animals, live your life only for money and power, choose to uphold lies that lie in sexism, racism, acts of hate and any choice which does not reflect sincere service to the Earth and Humanity.) Eventually you will find your way home because you will know the feeling. It will well up inside you like an upside down balloon and envelope your whole heart. Home will guide you out of the darkest dark into its calming waves of Truth. Nobody stays lost forever - this is madness and in disharmony with human nature. It may take many people many lifetimes to find home, but it is there, waiting to welcome you inside.

On Crafting Our Brilliance

We are each forces of Brilliant Nature. We are crafted and designed to share our unique talents with all of creation. Recently I have been playing with this idea in my every day action. How am I crafting my own brilliance? I see it as a twisting, turning, spiral of passion, intelligence, creativity, humor, and good choice. If I put my time and attention in myself as if I were a piece of art, continually being sculpted and resculpted, it is up to me what shape I choose to take. I feel this force in me, and by not identifying with it, as in "I am brilliant." But feeling the divine brilliance through me, I can begin to understand and interpret my choices in this world. Brilliance means intelligent design and a flow of uninterrupted creative outpour and expression. This could be in how I make my tea, or the slow graceful pace I make a meal. Brilliance could be the choice to not over-indulge and instead take a walk in the cool night air. This force wants to grow and develop into a fine piece of work, one which will counter and confront any obstacle in its way. This force will guide me and attract other brilliant light to it. This force is my Divine Will and my destiny. By counteracting it I am giving in to an old belief that I am not worth anything or just mediocre. We must break free from our mediocre identities and recognize that every action echoes itself into all of creation. Every choice I make which comes from my true identity and my true self will create ripples of choices for the whole planet. My shadow self if becoming more and more familiar and how I choose to interact with my shadow self is also a sign of my own brilliance. I feel her sometimes like a spirit friend, and recently have been putting a comforting hand out to her and reconcile our differences. My shadow self are only the unconscious parts of me which still identify with fear, panic, and control. Carl Jung said that the best thing you can do for someone is show her her shadow, for then she will recognize that she is made of light which casts this shadow.

Today was a very simple day and I got to just reflect, take care of some business and make some phone calls. There is always this force in my which is constantly questioning the force of nature and observing it. I am so greatful that a friend recently guided me to trust the force of divine flow and clarity that is welling up in my at all times. My meditation practice has been to simply observe this and let it guide me into myself and into insight. I have searched for so long for the right spiritual practice, what do I do and how do i do it, and I am so tired of obligation. It is suffocating me. My practice is to love God, turn to God in every detail, and craft Her force in and through me. Only then will I get to know a glimmer of my own brilliance and know the purpose of my existence.