a note on reality and being awake - a manifesto if you will.

This life is not easy.

The more i try to make it easy, the more i fall back asleep and find myself in a comfortable stupor doing things that aren't good for me. When I face the challenge and FEEL what it is in me that wants the easiness, I really recognize that all it is is a fear of the unknown and a fear that it will be new, boring, scary, empty, nothingness. My father has been telling me for quite some time that the big ups and downs will eventually even out to a more medial flow as we learn to stay awake, in our full consciousness of who we are. This is tough, being home for Christmas, there is a lot of time on my hands and I have already finished three books. I saw some friends from High School and it was kind of difficult for me to be ok with the fact that nothing has really changed between the three of us. My life is very different back home, I am so fortunate to have the job I do, the friends, the lifestyle which offers so much freedom of choice and freedom to be with others who are stepping out of their comfort zones and actualizing their dreams.

How do we actualize our dreams? How do we step out of the norm and break open the sky to witness our true selves, the spark of divine beauty that each one of us contains? Our world continues to meet us with low standards, dead ends, false bait for happiness, separation, denial of the self. My little soul is like a hot zygote inside me... flared up with rage and passion - ready to break free from this existence which aims to control and suppress me. I am a divine human being. I am unafraid to face that which is without integrity and heart. I am free.

Though why do I still make choices which are keeping me locked in? This life is not easy, because it's not like I can just say, OK WORLD! I am free! I break out NOW! Here I am ready to be and do everything I am meant to be and do. It is a process and I cannot really control how fast I grow as a soul. I can take my lessons to heart and learn to integrate them and learn to heal my self as much as I know how and accept the pain of each lesson. This is beautiful: That I actually feel pain, that I am capable of emotion and this is the very thing which makes this life so amazing and blessed.

I am reading so many different books these days...History of Santo Daime religion, info on Indigo children, the path of Sacred Activism, Anastasia, and a lot more. I have many interests and yet there also seems to be this lag in the space time continuum. Like, ok world! I know what I want. Yet certain things and ideas are not caught up in the main stream. My beliefs are not yet held in this time space reality and so I cannot just go out and apply for that position in life which holds my highest potential, it doesn't work that way. And besides, maybe that is a good thing. The question is, how to completely restructure my reality and restructure the external systematic reality at the same time. It's not an immediate reflection. It's like there are certain bubbles which I pop in and out of, some bubbles hold the structure of reality which I hold in myself and some structures just don't, like I have to backtrack and remember who I used to be last year to hold up the structure of the current bubble I find myself in. Does this make any sense?

And yet there are always things I am working on and I am always trying to live my values and be the Self I know I Truly Am. Like, hey World! I am showing up in my higher self, where is the world which acknowledges Freedom, Love, Unity, Expression, Passion, Creativity, Nature, and God? Because this is the reality inside myself! This is who I Am. This is the reality I showed up in as a new born babe, a perfect self, shining all of God's beauty on everything I touched. This is the self which was lost and then found again. This is the self which lashes out in anger and pain when I face a world which is imperfect and selfish and hateful. These things inside myself too. To face that, to face that reality. To recognize and feel the sensitivity of others suffering, of others ignorance at this false separation. The Truth IS: We are not separate. We are a beautiful spark of divine light. We Are Our Collected Dreams. We our how we view ourselves and our reality. The only way things will change is if we change how we view ourselves.

When we can start seeing ourselves as this Truth: Beautiful Infinite Human Souls of Grace and Art - Alive NOW to paint the gray walls of our world with Wounder, Truth, Love, Peace and Freedom. Until we are truly ready to give away our false selves, our false notions of ourselves as guilty trapped good-for-nothings. Nothing will change. It starts first with our inner beliefs, our willingness to get out of our comfort zones. And what is comfortable about our comfort zones anyway? There is nothing comfortable about staying trapped in a limiting view of myself. It hurts and it sucks and it is so bleak and dismal and really the exact equation which keeps our world on this path of destruction. If we stay trapped in our limited beliefs, then the world will stay trapped in its limited expression.

Please. Please. Please. Heart: listen deeply to the song of my soul. Listen sooo very carefully that when the choice which offers me a chance to break a habit of denial and pain arrives, let me walk it head held high. Please. Please. please Soul: when that opportunity arises to grow in unlimited grace and growth, let me open my wings wide to fly on your winds of new expression and discovery. Please. Please. please Spirit: let me soar in this life, let me be an inspiration for all to create a momentous open hearted life. An inspiration to spark all of Spirit to manifest this grand change we so desperately need in order to fulfill the Divine Plan. I Am Here. I Am Ready. I Am Now.

A Gift of Love

I Wanted to share this gift from my teacher Anakha Coman. She writes:

I was blessed with the following consolations from the Divine today. I
offer them as my gift to you, may you remember your own wholeness and
Oneness…may your heart be on fire with Divine Love.

* A moment with me fills you with more love than all the lovers of
your lifetime. Where am I? Closer than the breath moving through
your nostrils. Who am I? The Lover behind all loving, the Lover
beyond all lovers. Why am I? Because of you, I AM.

* There are a thousand faces of love held in the Infinite Heart.
You are One with them. You are One of them.

* The heart holds a mystery, an alchemy unknown, unlock the heart
and unlock the code for a new divine humanity.

* All things are conspiring in Love, to open you to Love. All
conditions are conspiring to create the perfect alchemy to birth you
into the next expression of Love. The fires of passion, adoration,
devotion, desire, ecstasy and bliss and the thorns of agony, despair,
heartbreak and grief. This is the alchemical elixir of Love, drink
deeply from the Source of your own Essence.

* This is the journey home. A gathering up of all things into
Love. Love holds all…there is no opposite.

* You are here to enact, embody and express Divine Love in the real.

* Sing Love into the cells of your being body, into the heart of
your heart and into your brothers and sisters.

* Fear is the veiled face of Love, reach beyond the veil into the
true essence.

prayer for mary magdalene

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N530qNGxgPs

The Principles of our Sacred Nature

•The Freedom to Choose from LOVE and to be embraced in Love.
•The Ability to FORGIVE and RELEASE and to live in the PRESENT MOMENT fully and completely.
•The power to CREATE our REALITY in ongoing form and to change what we do not desire through making new choices.
•The ability to express SOUL and SPIRIT in the physical as an expression of GRATITUDE through Art, Movement, Sound, Words......all forms of ART and CREATIVITY.

How do you keep your torch lit?

Checking in and sensing a lot going on inside. I have a tendency to look without to relieve all this tension, emotion, movement inside, internal. So I am writing to check in with it. I had a great intuitive body reading on Friday and want to share a little about what I learned. First of all, I am just now recognizing the reflection that people hold in my life with what is occurring for me internally. If a friend is approaching me asking guidance on emotional eating, it is time I look at this subject with myself. Friend's are great mirrors and I am noticing the parallels more and more as I am either annoyed or attracted to their drama- How can I let it all just be a reflection pointing me to be of service first to myself and awakening my own shadow, and then see if this service toward myself can shine as an example for those around me. This was a little what the reading said. Also - things concerning the heart, it is winter now and time to go inside. This may be hard for a lot of people without loved ones or a beloved around. But now that the Sun is farthest away from Earth, it is our time to bring the sun out inside of ourselves, when the hearth is inside the temple and we warn ourselves with our divine beauty, nurturing health, and prayer. It is easy to go back to old patterns, almost too easy and this is a big symbol for me to stop myself before I do and stay awake, stay present, stay conscious of how I falsely comfort myself and ignore the true yearning: to be with God, to be loved, to be warn and held. This thing I CAN give to myself. These things are all around me, I just need to feel my beauty, my love, and my sweet body and know that I am a divine reflection of God deserving the best and sweetest treatment for myself. Becoming sensitive to the old vibrations and how harmful they are, helps me remember and wise up to the vibrations of love, light, and health. Please be truthful with yourself, please be responsible and clear with your boundaries in your life and totally give 100% the best you can to yourself. I am saying this all because I am learning it too.

Another thing I am learning in tune with this season is the time to be Fallow - or frozen without growth. It is not time to plant seeds, it is time to wait, hold, soften, watch, and embrace the fire within. It is just like me to try to plant the seeds of all my dreams before planting season. They will just freeze and die. It is a good time to let your spiritual self be peaceful and watchful and not fixed on the fire of transformation. Even the winter ground is transforming, it is just a lot more subtle and internal. Meditation, baths, teas, good food. These are all spiritual actions as well as the larger metaphysical, outward, transcendental experiences. In fact, it is ALL spiritual! I must get out of this mindset that some things, some people, some events are spiritual and others are not. It is all a learning for Spirit, it is all opportunity to connect with the Divine. And we are learning to become in balance with the rhythm of every moment, how that connection is manifested and received. It is our responsibility as spiritual lights to keep this torch aglow through every moment and every season. It is OK to forget the torch every once and awhile for this is the time that we are learning how to do this, but keep picking it back up again and light others with yours. Listen to how you want to move in your moment, how the divine wants to manifest, it will be easier and lighter if you do move in this natural rhythm with the seasons. The more you let go of your ideas the better Ideas are what got us in to this mess in the first place. turn off the electrical light upstairs and open the window to the light of the winter moon out your window.

It feels good to write all of this, even if no one reads it. It is my intention to use writing as one of the tools to keep my torch lit. Writing down my Truth, getting my voice out there helps me stay strong and alive. I don't have to rely on anyone else to keep my torch lit, in fact, this is often the misunderstanding about Teachers, Spiritual Groups, Gurus, -that they will keep your torch lit. They can light it for sure, but it is up to you to keep lighting it with your knowledge and inner understanding as the practice is deepened and the motivation towards awakening increases. How do you keep your torch lit?

Janine Benyus shares nature's designs | Video on TED.com

Janine Benyus shares nature's designs | Video on TED.com

Thoughts on Money

So a friend recently suggested I start writing about money as a way to get out all my undesirable beliefs and patterns surrounding this topic. I have recently been faced with certain circumstances which have pointed me in this direction to fully reveal anything I am holding unconsciously. Money has always been there, not a lot, but is has existed in a form like a cloud above my head, giving me what I need, just as a flower receives water from a rain cloud. It has never been a source of identification or power or lack. It has always fit me comfortably when I needed it. This has been due to my own natural saving habits, my family's upper-middle class upbringing, and my own dis-interest to have any other relationship with it. College was paid for by money inherited when my step-mother died and travels i have taken have either been partially supported by savings or gifts. I am recognizing my privilege in this.

My privilege has kept me blind from my own habits, beliefs, and maturity concerning finance, business, work, security. As I am approaching an age in which I desire more security and independence away from my listless wanderings and discoverings of the world I step down from certain clouds of obscurity and delusion. I have to step up to the cold hard facts. And yet, naming them cold and hard is also a belief pattern and one that is keeping me from earning and living a life with a comfortable flow.

This is exactly what I want. A comfortable flow and a mature and responsible, reasonable position and relationship with money which supports my life the way I want to live it. Money has always been associated with over-work, time out of my life, lack of freedom, not being wild and free and innocent. These are childhood and young adult beliefs. I am ready to take on a life which fully takes responsibility for myself and my needs. This in some way feels scary but very exciting. I can no longer rely on anyone else for support or a false net to fall back on. I don't want to manipulate anyone else for their money or expect that everything will be taken care of it I fall into a hole or a rut.

The tarot reading I received recently suggested three things about money: Three cards fell off the bottom of the deck which were blocking and hiding the Star card, which represents abundance, manifesting dreams, and good fortune. The reading suggesting that if I don't look at these three things, then my vision and dreams will be blocked. This unconsciousness around money blocks the universe from giving me what is coming to me. The universe wants to give to me. The three cards had to do with:

A) Giving my all to what i have in my life right now. Not doing just a B average, but giving an A for effort. B is for betrayal. In ceremony recently i received a message from God. God wants to see what we are doing with what we have already in our lives. Are we thankful, grateful? are we using what we have for good? Are we being resourceful and using our powers of creativity, skill, and heart to act and use our lives purposefully? This is important, because many of us take what we have for granted and are constantly thinking and waiting for what is coming next. Believing if we just focus on manifestation and visualization, we are calling what we "deserve" into our lives: The next job, the next relationship, the next best thing over that hill, if we could just see it, if we could just grasp it. All the time avoiding and stepping over the pitfalls in our own lives and wasting the abundance all around us. God is watching to see what you do with the grace you have received Now. Do you think you will receive something more if you are wasting the gifts you already have? So in my own life, how am I avoiding my job, my home, my body. These are gifts and I am learning to treat them well and use all of my energy and love into shaping and acting and working in joy and peace. This i know will make the fertile ground for the next phase of my life.

2) MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!

Money is neutral. It's what we do with it, how we hold it, and our beliefs which are corrupted and misguided. Money is a huge source for unconscious patterning, avoidance, and victimization/manipulation. It doesn't have to be this way!!!!! Money is actually very simply put our relationship to the Earth plane. A very 1st chakra relationship. If this is weak, we will feel it extended through our whole lives. Money (or we can call it en energy exchange with physicality and effectiveness on the Earth plane), needs to be in place or we will have little effect in our lives and how we can act and create in them. Money is actually an extension of creativity and love. God wants us to be prosperous, to receive the gifts of support and security so that we may do the work of divinity and love. This may be hard to hear, but it means you have a limiting belief around money. The belief could be that those who have it are corrupt and evil, that those who have it are privileged and spoiled, that those who have it are somehow better off and higher than those who don't. These are all false beliefs. The fact is our whole world is controlled by this very simple relationship and that in itself is very unbalanced. It should actually be a lot simpler than this. If economics and money handling and work ethics were taught and shared with an appreciation and respect for money and the general law of practical exchange with the physical world, things would be a lot more balanced. The problem is some are extremely lacking while others have way too much. Having an honest and clean relationship with money and work (part of everyone's life) is a very basic step for every human being. ESPECIALLY those in the new consciousness movement. The fact that we are controlled by our belief that money is "bad" effects how smoothly we may act and make change in this world. Money is an asset and taken with a healthy outlook can aid you in your freedom, wildness, activism, and spiritual passions.

3) Money will not take away your freedom. It will actually give you more freedom. You do not have to be a slave to your job. You do not have to sell yourself. Money may come easily and naturally. But first learn to balance your checkbook!