a note on reality and being awake - a manifesto if you will.

This life is not easy.

The more i try to make it easy, the more i fall back asleep and find myself in a comfortable stupor doing things that aren't good for me. When I face the challenge and FEEL what it is in me that wants the easiness, I really recognize that all it is is a fear of the unknown and a fear that it will be new, boring, scary, empty, nothingness. My father has been telling me for quite some time that the big ups and downs will eventually even out to a more medial flow as we learn to stay awake, in our full consciousness of who we are. This is tough, being home for Christmas, there is a lot of time on my hands and I have already finished three books. I saw some friends from High School and it was kind of difficult for me to be ok with the fact that nothing has really changed between the three of us. My life is very different back home, I am so fortunate to have the job I do, the friends, the lifestyle which offers so much freedom of choice and freedom to be with others who are stepping out of their comfort zones and actualizing their dreams.

How do we actualize our dreams? How do we step out of the norm and break open the sky to witness our true selves, the spark of divine beauty that each one of us contains? Our world continues to meet us with low standards, dead ends, false bait for happiness, separation, denial of the self. My little soul is like a hot zygote inside me... flared up with rage and passion - ready to break free from this existence which aims to control and suppress me. I am a divine human being. I am unafraid to face that which is without integrity and heart. I am free.

Though why do I still make choices which are keeping me locked in? This life is not easy, because it's not like I can just say, OK WORLD! I am free! I break out NOW! Here I am ready to be and do everything I am meant to be and do. It is a process and I cannot really control how fast I grow as a soul. I can take my lessons to heart and learn to integrate them and learn to heal my self as much as I know how and accept the pain of each lesson. This is beautiful: That I actually feel pain, that I am capable of emotion and this is the very thing which makes this life so amazing and blessed.

I am reading so many different books these days...History of Santo Daime religion, info on Indigo children, the path of Sacred Activism, Anastasia, and a lot more. I have many interests and yet there also seems to be this lag in the space time continuum. Like, ok world! I know what I want. Yet certain things and ideas are not caught up in the main stream. My beliefs are not yet held in this time space reality and so I cannot just go out and apply for that position in life which holds my highest potential, it doesn't work that way. And besides, maybe that is a good thing. The question is, how to completely restructure my reality and restructure the external systematic reality at the same time. It's not an immediate reflection. It's like there are certain bubbles which I pop in and out of, some bubbles hold the structure of reality which I hold in myself and some structures just don't, like I have to backtrack and remember who I used to be last year to hold up the structure of the current bubble I find myself in. Does this make any sense?

And yet there are always things I am working on and I am always trying to live my values and be the Self I know I Truly Am. Like, hey World! I am showing up in my higher self, where is the world which acknowledges Freedom, Love, Unity, Expression, Passion, Creativity, Nature, and God? Because this is the reality inside myself! This is who I Am. This is the reality I showed up in as a new born babe, a perfect self, shining all of God's beauty on everything I touched. This is the self which was lost and then found again. This is the self which lashes out in anger and pain when I face a world which is imperfect and selfish and hateful. These things inside myself too. To face that, to face that reality. To recognize and feel the sensitivity of others suffering, of others ignorance at this false separation. The Truth IS: We are not separate. We are a beautiful spark of divine light. We Are Our Collected Dreams. We our how we view ourselves and our reality. The only way things will change is if we change how we view ourselves.

When we can start seeing ourselves as this Truth: Beautiful Infinite Human Souls of Grace and Art - Alive NOW to paint the gray walls of our world with Wounder, Truth, Love, Peace and Freedom. Until we are truly ready to give away our false selves, our false notions of ourselves as guilty trapped good-for-nothings. Nothing will change. It starts first with our inner beliefs, our willingness to get out of our comfort zones. And what is comfortable about our comfort zones anyway? There is nothing comfortable about staying trapped in a limiting view of myself. It hurts and it sucks and it is so bleak and dismal and really the exact equation which keeps our world on this path of destruction. If we stay trapped in our limited beliefs, then the world will stay trapped in its limited expression.

Please. Please. Please. Heart: listen deeply to the song of my soul. Listen sooo very carefully that when the choice which offers me a chance to break a habit of denial and pain arrives, let me walk it head held high. Please. Please. please Soul: when that opportunity arises to grow in unlimited grace and growth, let me open my wings wide to fly on your winds of new expression and discovery. Please. Please. please Spirit: let me soar in this life, let me be an inspiration for all to create a momentous open hearted life. An inspiration to spark all of Spirit to manifest this grand change we so desperately need in order to fulfill the Divine Plan. I Am Here. I Am Ready. I Am Now.