finally alone enough to sit down to write a little bit. Also I have been on a farm with no phones, Internet, computers or anything. I have spent four days on this little paradise in Northern California just outside of mt. Shasta at the foot of the hill. A really amazing community of Anthroposophisits and Artists. I was very taken aback by the love and faith of the community, by the dedication of these people to the land and to the art. I fin myself at this moment in a really good space emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually. I was around such good people in such a healthy, clean environment. I completely recovered from the day of no sleep and heavy ceremony. I was so drained when I arrived on the farm that I could barely see straight or sleep. I was very low adrenal glands, very low in vitamins and etheric forces. I felt I had holes all around me. And this was very good to observe to, because it really means I can take a clear approach to my activities back home. I really needed to have this experience (thank you higher self) To be in one spiritual state - depleted, emotionally insecure, disconnected with myself even though i was prayer and being with a particular spiritual community - i was so out of balance so disharmonious, so disconnected from my true healthy continuum of energy - and then to be transported really without any effort of my part to this community of people who live so simply, close to the land, each other, the animals (draft horses, sheep, cows, ducks, goats, riding horses, and a ram). No electronics and really good healthy food from the farm (dairy, eggs, broth). The level of insight i gained from interacting wtih each other individually too, the books that were available fro me to read, the arts - singing and Eurythmy all of it so healing, so healthy, so whole. Like I stepped into a painting - and Iwas the disharmonious brush stroke, I could not exist in a work of art, i could not stay long without being completally transformed into the background of this masterpiece, of this work of art, of this healing image. Like a wet-on-wet painting (and I am refering here to many of Steiner's influences too, for this is an Anthroposophical community - biodynamic gardening, Eurythmy, painting, etc.) But just like a painting, the image comes through the color, the healthy, serene background - There exists the environment for the true painting of the soul to emerge. I really is quite marvelous. And thank goodness I am making none of this up, but the stomach pain has began to go away. I feel more back to myself than I have in a long time. I did a lot of resting, meditating, eating, walking, working, and talking with these fabulous people. I am so lucky to find something that truly fits what I have been asking for. We will see how it all unfolds. I am trying eally hard to not try to guess at where I will be next fall, in a new job, at this school, who knows!? But it feels so good to be on this path, it feels so right and so destined. I am not trying so hard and everything is just arriving. And the want to be a teacher is still right there, working its way though. At the bottom I am an artist, an expressive soul and I have so much dedication towards beauty and health. I am also working with a lot of free choice. How to make good choices for myself, and I know that it is happening little bit by little bit. It is arriving naturally as it should. I am so done with toiling and striving and struggling. I don't want to battle with myself, I want to paint and sing and move with myself! Bryan said something really true too. It is almost impossible to do it alone. It is a lot easier to do it with others, to be in community and shape oneself, ones will with the influence of trusted friends and family and teachers. With this guiding philosophy as well and the true work to bring the higher self into the lower self to transform the human being - i can feel and see what this community is reaching towards. What was wonderful was too feel the connection with the students there and to really feel their study, their hard work and their purity in this desire to know themselves truly. I have a lot to work on and think about when I get home. And I feel I can go home and really begin to sense where I am going, feeling less lost and a little more on track. I am excited to have finally found what I am here to do, to carry on this work with children and the study of myself - who knows what will come next. I also feel that I must just simply observe was arrises and not judge, make a choice, or know what I need next in my life, already I can see and feel that the things that are supposed to arrive will and are already. I am a free human being, my intention is to really discover this and really be this. It is not easy to come to terms with, to really know that, it does not happen over night - we are growing into that responsibilty, that love, that freedom. It is the work that I have always known is there, and to have it right here, so close to me - thank you angels and hank you Dr. Steiner and all those who were inspired by this teachings to bring it to us - to have schools where true pupils, desiring to understand, can go and learn.
