It is my intention to become more familiar with the Wisdom inside of me. I have been having significant dreams and occurrences which signify divine wisdom as inherent in all of us. For me it is located deep within my solar plexus and shows up as a kind of silver crescent orb or moon which permeates out and through me. When I tap into it, very subtly at first, and with much patience, it begins to speak to me and I can ask questions and get very clear definite answers. I have not asked many questions but it seems to me that nothing is too small or too large to ask. I had a dream last night which showed me these different parts of myself. There is my incessant mind which believes it knows everything, can figure any thing out and tries to round out every problem into seemingly smooth stones. I wake up in the middle of the night, around 3:00am-4:00am (this is Vata time, a lot of wind-mind energy) - and hash over every detail of my life. It is actually really distressing, to wake up and disrupt my sleep. I have been saying mantras at this time and that has been helping a little as well. (Lord Shiva (Motion and Silence): Nama Shivia and the name of he moon mantra: Chan-Dra). My dream depicted this part of me which has a lot to say, in the figure of a man. He wouldn't stop shutting up, and I (showing up as how I look today-I believe my real me, my wisdom and my essential self) had a mouthful of apple cores. And every time the Man spoke, like he had to get a word in, I mumbled through the apple cores for him to stop speaking. I kept on taking the apple cores out of my mouth one at time as I was stopping him from speaking. Each time I interrupted him to be silent i removed another core. Until finally my mouth was empty and I could tell him the truth- to stop talking!!!! I often times do not listen to myself and have a habit of using food to depress my emotions and inner truth. This was the significance of the apples. But each time I turn inward and listen to myself and snap out of my Ego Mind and focus the inner eye on my real truth, my internal wisdom which speaks softly and carefully and which uses her words intentionally - I am removing all the years of habit of stuffing myself silent.
This place of wisdom requires a deep reverence for life and for silence and patience. A few things I am lacking these days. As we are going into Fall and then into Winter, the energies thicken and emotions are inflamed. After being sick as well, I can either learn from the lessons from being sick, have taken that time to really rest and readjust to the new phase of moon, the cellular clean-out I went through as a result of being sick in bed, or I can habitually return to the place of unrest, anxiety, and bullying myself throughout the day. I am so through with that!
But am I really?
I have been here so many times before, and I wonder how bad it will really get until I snap out of it. It takes my inner will and my observing eye to not identify with each passing emotion and thought pattern. This is the only way to true freedom, if one can consciously observe their inner state and continue to persevere toward the creative free will and the truth of the spirit, this will create a constant flow of fearlessness toward obstacles. Each obstacle which comes can either throw me back into my self loathing, mind games approach, or I can take a breath, notice what is going on, connect to my inner will and inner wisdom and totally shift my reality.
Rudolf Steiner suggests that the path to true understanding of the higher worlds relies firstly on reverence for life. If through out the day something comes up to throw you off, return to a thought or moment or a part of nature around you which can return you to a place of innocent wonder at life around you. For me this also has to go hand in hand with the mind seeing truthfully what it is that is so upsetting, allowing myself to feel it and naming it for what it is ( a root shadow of deprivation, unworthiness, or powerlessness). It is then, and only then, once I have named it for what it is, can I then freely choose my inner state of focus and attitude toward life and each obstacle.
It is so easy to go about things in the old way, to criticize and squeeze myself in a ball - for I usually am stressing myself out on some future event that I have committed too. When in actuality, in every moment - life has the perfection of truth to show me the clear way. Always connected to God.
