Guidance from Eileen Caddy
Make Room for the New
Life is full and overflowing with the new, but it is necessary to empty out the old and make room for the new to enter. The emptying out process can be very painful, but it is necessary. You have to be willing to unlearn so much to make room for all those new and wonderful truths to enter and to become part of you. It is more difficult to unlearn than it is to learn. You may experience that feeling of barrenness, of having nothing to hold onto, of being alone and bereft of everything, a life dead and empty and with no meaning to it. Realize that it is a process of being emptied of the old so you can be filled with the new. Never give up faith. Then you can begin again in newness of spirit and of truth.
With that said, here I am in my new house sit situation. The breathing is still coming very shallow and slow and my thoughts and mind are still seeming to attack me at every turn. I wonder about when i was a teenager and feel that whatever i am going through now is very similar. Everything feels new and strange, everything feels like a huge struggle to overcome. I harvest so much guilt and shame for the littlest things. Every time I step outside of a rythem and eat a treat or go to bed late or even speak forcefully to a child at work, I am struck with this overwhelming experience of shame and guilt. Like I can't just let go. My Conscious Freedom Counselor speaks of being in my power. When I am feeling pain in my stomach it means I am not in my power and dislodging thoughts and feelings can come in and hook me and nock me over. That is just what it feels like. With everything changing in my old house I never felt safe, I didn't know how to be in my power when I wasn't happy with my surroundings or the people who were in my intimate surroundings. The house I just moved from was full of strangers coming and going and I felt uncertain as to how to "be" around them. My false small self was triggered and I was lost in wondering how I was supposed to act or talk to them. When I don't feel "seen" from others I react with putting up walls and avoiding interaction. This is funny, because how can anyone see me if I am hiding behind walls?
I would like to release that. When I am percieving others as a threat, instead of running away, how else could I respond? Perhaps remind myself that they are not in fact a threat, but just in their own heads, in their own reactions to their life and day. I was threatened by so many people as a child, (or that is what it felt like). I couldn't trust my extended family, my babysitter, even my friends were cruel to me at times. I ended up retreating into clouds of my own making and shutting the world out. Many days after school were spent alone and watching TV. I was alone sometimes for five hours before my mom came home from work. I created a comfortable reality to hide in.
Now when i try to escape to that comfortable reality I am hit with Karma and a big wake up call. There is no comofortable other reality, where we reside is this moment right here. When I didn't have the tools as a young girl to cope with that reality, to honor that the moment is actually very safe and peaceful (though it wasn't always) I did the next best thing and retreated into my mind. No wonder my mind is so active and full of stories and images to take me from feeling and sensing in this present moment. My feelings that arise are so intense that I just shut them down.
My breahting has been tight and controlled now for almost four months. My breath is shallow and gets caught in my diaphram. Each thing that happens that is not to plan is another reason to shut down and freak out.
I am working on creating a connection to source when I am in these moments. To find a heart space that is open and trusting, no matter what is happeing. This i feel is being in my power. this i feel is the only thing that actually works in these situations. I feel asleep most of the time these days. that other day when i went to 'escape' my life and go see a film (which was horrible and caused more stress than escapism) my car was towed and I ended up paying $400 total with all the costs of tickets, registration, and tow costs. That was sure a wake up call!
You can't just escape from life. You have to meet life with whatever it throws at you with focussed clear energy, there is always a truthful peaceful thread no matter what is happening. It is hard for me to "feel" my emotions durring this. To just allow them wash over me. Of cours I want to identify with them and cling to them for some sense of reality. And then my mind jumps in and takes me to that invisible world of illusion. While all of this occurs my breath is tight in my body.
I can't save other people. I can do the best I can with what is given me and I am learning immense things at this time. I know that I am actually a very good person. I spend a lot of my time proving to myself that I am a bad person, deserve nothing and reside in shame and guilt. Where did this all come from? The hardest thing is to continue to be alone and praise and love myself no matter what. This is what my heart and mind and the girl inside me truly wants. She also craves support in her power, in her leadership, in her good ideas. I can find everything else about what is not right about me - and get distracted at the 'big bad' world. Like the big bad wolf trickign little red riding hood - pretending she is safe as the grandmother, the little girl is beginning to wake up and see the big bad teeth, and the deep dark eyes, and the big furry ears - she is not stooped for long before the wolf is killed by the man with the axe. I do have an axe in my psyche. I need to take it out more and use it to cut the chords with the parts of myself that do not serve, the parts of myself that i know are truly not me. I want to cultivate what is me, who i am and what I believe in. I want to cultivate the me that loves life, takes it all in stride, and enjoys the highs and lows, because life is an ocean. Of course I am not perfect and no matter what is happening or how I am reacting - it is ok too. But truly, enough of this nonsense. i love my body, my mind, my soul, my looks, my life - and i am always working towards what works and i want to cultivate. I am in a learning curve right now. I am one by one stepping up to the plate to hit the home run which will truly take my life by surprise. I need to start giving myself more credit.
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